I had a dream last night about “Tony”. (If you’ve read any of my testimony you should know that’s not his real name.) The last time I even had a thought about him was, naturally, when I was writing my book. And, also, one time when I was jogging in the forest and had a sort of vision of him pulling up next to me, on the deserted road I was on, opening the door and calmly saying, “BJ, you know what you have to do...” So, I got in the car, perceiving that the standards of the Mafia do not leave room for negotiating.
In my dream, Tony came to see me and he brought along some young thug. Tony must be well into his 70’s by now, but as a saying in Spanish goes, “Cosa mala nunca muere, y si muere no hace falta...” Roughly translated, “Bad things never die, and if they do die, they’re not missed.” Hispanics have many sayings...
Anyway, I’ve googled and found that he’s still around, doing his dirty work. And, in the dream, I knew what his intentions were. I have to admit that the first thought in my mind, upon waking, was sort of like Sipher’s, in The Matrix, lamenting having taken the “red pill” and having his eyes opened to the reality of the matrix: “Why, oh, why didn’t I take the green pill?” and thusly remain in blissful ignorance and indifference?
But I’m afraid, Dorothy, that there is a cost in finding out the true identity of the wizard. Even though knowing and understanding the truth far outweighs all other options, those blessings also bring with them an acute awareness that going “home” has taken on a whole new meaning.
As I step out in faith, in other words, and do what God is asking me to do, my very human mind keeps reminding me that God has removed the floor, which I'd grown so accustomed to feeling, from under my feet. But, in wonderful contrast, His Holy Spirit not only keeps me from plummeting, but is also allowing me, with more and more frequency, to enjoy the feeling of being held.
For the record, I will never regret writing “From Mafia Princess to God’s Princess”. I will never regret serving the Lord Jesus Christ and not loving my life even when faced with death” (Rev. 12:11); I will never regret the lives of others that I have seen changed and brought to Him through the telling of my testimony; and, mostly, I will never regret the forsaking of this measly, earthly body for the ecstasy of seeing Him, my Savior and King, face to face in my eternal home, and being with Him forever.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Bright Spot--Giving Him to Jesus
I don’t think there’s anything worse for a mother than when her kids follow in her footsteps—the wrong footsteps, anyway. Having battled addictions for so many years, (so far and yet so near), I can’t stand the thought that one of my two “boys”, (19 and 20), might be imprisoned as I once was. So, when I found out that “the baby of the fambly” was addicted to cigarettes, my heart broke. I felt like the worst parent alive. Even though I had quit everything when they were very young, I couldn't help but think that somehow I was still a negative influence. And then there were the inevitable "how can I be in ministry when my own kids are out of control?" thoughts. And me, the author of "12o Days to Freedom", (my stop anything book), the mother of a slave to nicotine! The worse part about it was that I knew, from my own experience, that any amount of nagging, proselytizing, or just general trying to shame him into wanting to stop could very well cause him to rebel more and more. So I had to do the unthinkable: surrender my control over the situation! I decided to give him to Jesus, once and for all, (it was about time...), and to fight the battle on my knees.
My bright spot today is that “the baby” has been nicotine free for five whole days, and counting. It hasn't been easy for him, (it never is easy to do the right thing), but I think he's going to make it. And me? I'm giving up smooth knees.
Thank you Lord for letting me see that I can’t take care of every situation, but You can.
Isaiah 49:25—“I will contend with the one who contends with you, and I will save your sons.”
I’ve Given Him To Jesus
Where’s the precious baby
I cradled in my arms
Who gripped my thumb
In his tiny hand?
Has it really been that long?
Where’s the skinny little boy
Whose tears I kissed away?
It used to be
That a mother’s hug
Would make it all OK.
I’ve given him to Jesus
I’ve placed him in His arms
Now trust must fill
This empty nest
That’s left here in my heart.
My bright spot today is that “the baby” has been nicotine free for five whole days, and counting. It hasn't been easy for him, (it never is easy to do the right thing), but I think he's going to make it. And me? I'm giving up smooth knees.
Thank you Lord for letting me see that I can’t take care of every situation, but You can.
Isaiah 49:25—“I will contend with the one who contends with you, and I will save your sons.”
I’ve Given Him To Jesus
Where’s the precious baby
I cradled in my arms
Who gripped my thumb
In his tiny hand?
Has it really been that long?
Where’s the skinny little boy
Whose tears I kissed away?
It used to be
That a mother’s hug
Would make it all OK.
I’ve given him to Jesus
I’ve placed him in His arms
Now trust must fill
This empty nest
That’s left here in my heart.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Bright Spot--Trusting God
I’m starting this blog both as a response to my need to verify that God is still working wonders in my life beyond my memoir, “From Mafia Princess to God’s Princess”; and to keep an up to date account of the daily struggles, miracles, and testimonies associated with having surrendered my life to full time ministry as I have since January 2010. Every blog I will endeavor to focus on some particular "bright spot", thus the title; something special to distinguish this day from every other and to trace the progress of this frail pilgrim.
It’s never easy trusting God! (Amen???) It’s one thing to believe in God, and quite another to trust Him with the minute by minute, play by play, details of my life. Since I quit my job at the church I find myself more and more wanting to second guess whether or not I really heard from God about all this full time ministry stuff. But every time, and I do mean every time I go in that direction, the Lord sends me a blaring message to reassure me that I am exactly where He wants me to be. And reiterates the same message to me again, that I can’t make the assumption that He’s not blessing me based purely on my outward or intrinsic expectations. Rather, I’m trying to, during these times, take an accounting of the real blessings and am, as a result, garnering a true sense of what it really means to trust. After all, trust is not something one can see. Well, let me qualify that. It’s not something I can see. But it’s something God can see, (or not see), in me.
I must keep reminding myself of how, when I was married to Tony, (the mobster), I had everything I wanted, but nothing that I needed. And I sure didn't need God. I was, in point of fact, miserable. Now I have everything I need and quite a few of the things I want, like this computer I’m writing on. I ate today, (Praise God!), and have clothes to wear. And although there’s several feet of snow piled up outside my window, I’m typing this from the warmth of my dry home. So, you see, I don’t have to think very long or hard to be grateful. It is, I‘ve found, in gratitude to the Giver that my faith and trust are demonstrated to the fullest.
I watched a show the other day about a family, somewhere in the world, whose drinking water is so putrid they are constantly ill. One little boy in the home was semi-comatose because of it. The mother said that whenever he rallied, they would give him the same water and he would relapse.
My life is not so bad. Thank you, Lord, for what I have and also for what I have not.
Proverbs 3: 5,6
It’s never easy trusting God! (Amen???) It’s one thing to believe in God, and quite another to trust Him with the minute by minute, play by play, details of my life. Since I quit my job at the church I find myself more and more wanting to second guess whether or not I really heard from God about all this full time ministry stuff. But every time, and I do mean every time I go in that direction, the Lord sends me a blaring message to reassure me that I am exactly where He wants me to be. And reiterates the same message to me again, that I can’t make the assumption that He’s not blessing me based purely on my outward or intrinsic expectations. Rather, I’m trying to, during these times, take an accounting of the real blessings and am, as a result, garnering a true sense of what it really means to trust. After all, trust is not something one can see. Well, let me qualify that. It’s not something I can see. But it’s something God can see, (or not see), in me.
I must keep reminding myself of how, when I was married to Tony, (the mobster), I had everything I wanted, but nothing that I needed. And I sure didn't need God. I was, in point of fact, miserable. Now I have everything I need and quite a few of the things I want, like this computer I’m writing on. I ate today, (Praise God!), and have clothes to wear. And although there’s several feet of snow piled up outside my window, I’m typing this from the warmth of my dry home. So, you see, I don’t have to think very long or hard to be grateful. It is, I‘ve found, in gratitude to the Giver that my faith and trust are demonstrated to the fullest.
I watched a show the other day about a family, somewhere in the world, whose drinking water is so putrid they are constantly ill. One little boy in the home was semi-comatose because of it. The mother said that whenever he rallied, they would give him the same water and he would relapse.
My life is not so bad. Thank you, Lord, for what I have and also for what I have not.
Proverbs 3: 5,6
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
